May 20, 2010

Chinese Forum Becomes a Huge Hit by Teaching Paramours to Become Official (Legal) Wives/Husbands

Translation: “小三”论坛蹿红网络 网友称其挑战道德底线

Since the infidelity of spouses have made many people abhor "xiao san," it is unsurprising that a "xiao san" website recently came into the spotlight when wives/husbands denounced it and called it challenge to the moral bottom line. The website's creator, however, believes that his BBS forum is giving all mistresses with a conscience an opportunity to speak out, thus preventing them from going to extremes.
Name: Xiao San BBS

Description: China's only website concerned about the xiao san phenomenon. A nonprofit website.

Slogan: Pay attention to the xiao san phenomenon and build a harmonious family
Reader complains: wife discovered professional "Xiao san website" after husband's adultery

Yesterday, a Netizen sent a link to the business newspaper through QQ: "Take a look at this website ( It is crawling with xiao sans who destroy other people's families."

This Netizen discovered her husband's betrayal two months ago. The "xiao san" works in a bank in Luoyang and got to know the husband through internet. What she found hard to endure are phone calls from this "xiao san," asking her to divorce immediately.

She and her husband had a huge fight. She decided to stick with her marriage because they have a 6 year old child. The husband did not want a divorce either. He knelt in front of her and begged for a second chance.

Although the whole mess was hard to swallow, she compromised for the sake of the child. Not long after, her friend found out that the husband and the Luoyang woman are together again.

She felt frustrated and found several QQ chat groups devoted to crusades against mistresses.

It was during one of the chats that she came upon a "xiao san forum." She said: "Just too much! How can they do this? Mistresses strutting about like they are the righteous ones? I hope you can give us justice."

Website content includes a guide teaching xiao sans to obtain official, legal status

The reporter logged unto this BBS forum yesterday. It has 5 boards: "General Discussion", "Fighting Xiao San", "Xiao San Has Got Something to Say", "Emotional Stories," and "Legal Consultation." There are currently 3000 registered users.

The forum slogan is prominently displayed on the pink webpage: Pay attention to the xiao san phenomenon and build a harmonious family.

The hottest board is "Xiao San Has Got Something to Say." In addition to accounts of xiao sans' personal life experiences and their inner turmoils, there are a great deal of "instructional" content, such as "A Guide to Becoming Official Wives/Husbands, Teaching You How to Acquire the Legal Status."

Netizens who reply frequently admire the posters for their indestructible psyche while urging them to have more ethics. After all, xiao sans should not ask for sympathy after breaking up families. Some kind Netizens try to gently persuade the xiao sans to withdraw from such relationships as early as possible to prevent further harm.

On other boards like "Fighting Xiao San," threads such as "How to Protect Your Love," "How to Vanquish Mistresses" also attract a lot of traffic and comments.

The website owner claims that all the moderators on this internet forum are female. Some used to be xiao sans, while others used to be hurt by xiao sans.

"Give every mistress who has a conscience an opportunity to speak out"

"Xiao san" is a taboo topic for many people. Wouldn't dedicating an entire website to this subject amplify the herd mentality, with the result being that potential xiao sans become emboldened?

Administrator "New Life" (internet username) doesn't think so. By focusing on the mistress phenomenon, the website aims to salvage marriages and save xiao sans.

"New Life" told the reporter that he is a recent college graduate. He was writing a paper on marriage laws in March of last year, when, during the process of researching, he discovered that many families have been ruined by xiao sans. At first he was quite scornful toward this group, but delving more deeply into the matter made him sympathetic.

Believing that mistresses is now a huge social problem, New Life, who currently works in E-commerce, decides to start this "xiao san forum" in order to "give every mistress who has a conscience an opportunity to speak out."

"Have prevented at least ten suicides"

The forum received harsh criticisms from day one.

But as "New Life" sees it, the problem will not cease to exist just because people avoids the topic. "We are just providing a platform for discussion. We hope that in their hours of confusion, xiao sans can receive suggestions and stop hurting others as well as themselves."

"New Life" believes that xiao sans are also in pain. Unlike concubines, they merely met their significant others at the wrong time. Restrictions due to traditional morality burden them with a sense of guilt, yet they can neither control their feelings nor talk over such matters with family and friends. This kind of long-time suppression can lead to extremes.

"Since the birth of our website, we have already prevented more than 10 suicides," said "New Life." He stressed that he looks down people who ruin families for monetary motives.

"Does not have the courage to tell girlfriend"

Nevertheless, "New Life" has not told girlfriend about this endeavor, even though he believes he is doing charity. "She doesn't know. She would have killed me had she known."

People point out that the administrator makes money off the website. "New Life" does not deny this accusation. "Xiao san forum" has already placed ads on its webpages. The revenue is "enough to get by." The website will become more profitable once traffic increases.

"We have been reported by the media already, but they were all critical. They were too one-sided. They did not perceive the positive meaning of my website," said "New Life."

Netizen Comments

"郁闷的兔子啊": I was lei'ed to the extent that I could not find North anymore...I feel faint.

"黑猫州长": All you first wives, why do women have to create troubles for other women? Do not use such a domineering tone to lecture us.

mimleee: Sinful. You know he is married but still intrude on the marriage. Sinful!

蝶舞残天: All those xiao sans who are robbed of their husbands in the future, come back to read your comments. The mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind exceedingly small.

兜兜有糖Mary: Thunder lei. I feel toasted.

Police department: we can't do anything

Some Netizens wonder why such an amoral website is left alone. Shouldn't the police do something?

Leader of Zhengzhou cyber police work force laughs: "Thank you for your sense of justice. But we really can't do anything."

According to this employee, as long as the website steers clear from "pornography, gambling, and drugs," and stays on discussions of emotions and feelings, it is legal. The issue of mistresses remains a morality issue and sits beyond the scope of the law.

Expert Opinion

Qi Xuerui (祁雪瑞), professor at the Henan Academy of Social Sciences, says that the website offers both advantages and disadvantages.

Creating a website to facilitate such talks goes contrary to traditional morality, not only for first wives but also for bystanders.

However, Professor Qi thinks that two boards "Xiao San Has Got Something to Say" and "Fighting Xiao San" are useful. "Xiao San Has Got Something to Say" lets xiao sans vent their feelings and avoid conflict buildup which can escalate to violence. "Fighting Xiao San" give first wives a chance to confront xiao sans, indirectly increasing the communication between both sides.

But she thinks that the xiao san problem is not an issue to be solved by a website. The final resolution depends on the morality system of the society.

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