March 23, 2010

Bride Dumped on Wedding Night Because She Isn't a Virgin

The post racked up 102 pages of replies. I only translated a small portion.

Translation: 新婚之夜新郎出走了,原因太雷人了,新娘现在还在崩溃中

My best girlfriend was supposed to marry today. More accurately, yesterday. She got the marriage certificate but the wedding ceremony hasn't been held yet, so the couple just invited a few people to celebrate. The bride and the groom dated for about two years. Of course they knew each other long before that because the two families live in the same neighborhood. The groom came from a good background--he works as an accountant on one of the Big Four firms. The bride is a civil servant (Note: In China government jobs are some of the better positions because they are always more stable and less taxing. Some people also say there are more opportunities for "gray" earnings). The two met at a reunion party after the groom returned from studies abroad, and the two quickly fell in love. Then they bought an apartment last year, decorated it, and waited until any lingering bad smell went away. Finally, yesterday they registered as a couple. We all felt glad. Both had good personalities, so it was a perfect match. Even yesterday at dinner, the two were talking about how happy it is to marry their first love.

Yet, two hours after the newly weds returned home, the groom said: "I am leaving. Let's discuss details when we divorce," and off he went. By the time another girlfriend and I got there, the bride was breaking down major time. We had to coax the story from her. And when we heard about what happened, we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Right before the marriage was consummated, the bride told the groom that she was no longer a virgin. The groom was dumbfounded, and he asked: didn't you say I was your first love? My best friend: Yes, you are the first person I truly love, blablabla.....The groom did not let her finish. He just said what I already wrote earlier and marched off. The other girlfriend and I were furious. We started cussing him. Fuck him, is he a virgin? Why does he require you to be one? The girlfriend replied he is. So we said, the bastard, you really believe him? The girlfriend replied, probably yes. During the two years they dated, no matter how heated things became, he never "touched" her. He insisted that liberal thinking should be separated from morality, so that they can be responsible to themselves and to others. He even participated in the Silver Ring Thing to actively promote abstinence before marriage. We were speechless.

While we were still telling her that it is not a big deal, he will come around, the girlfriend's parents came. The groom had called them and announced he wanted a divorce. He was adamant. Her parents told her to take it easy. They tried to take her home. She was sobbing her heart out. She attached herself to the bed and refused to let go. Her mom started crying too and told her, this is your fault, you should have told him earlier. Now that it came to this, our families will be enemies. My girlfriend cried so hard, saying I didn't have the courage, I refuse to take this. Since we couldn't help, we left, leaving the three of them alone.

What kind of thing is this? I felt that neither side was at fault. But why did a happy event turn out so sad? Should my girlfriend have told the guy earlier? What does everyone think?

I see nothing lei here. You just have to take responsibility for your own actions. The guy's request was not unreasonable.


Your girlfriend is surely "lucky" to meet such a JP...
If she knew he was a virgin, then she should have told him earlier.

We have to be honest with each other before marriage. Otherwise, the ending can be tragic. Sigh....

She knew how the guy felt
she should have let the truth out earlier
and she shouldn't say things like "first love" to mislead him

But, she mentioned he was the first person she truly loved
which means she gave her first time to someone she didn't love

Divorce, not such a bad idea.
It isn't worth it to cry to such a person
Go find a better man.

The woman is too casual. Who dares to marry such a casual woman...

The man's attitude was so obvious, yet she still lied. I don't think the guy is at fault. He has the right to choose. Marriage based on withholding information is not fair.

Your girlfriend really screwed it up. First love...normal people would interpret that to be first person she dated.

Actually, these things do matter for guys.

The fact that he refrained from "touching" your girlfriend all that time they dated meant he truly thinks virginity is important.

You shouldn't blame the groom. The girlfriend should have mentioned this a lot earlier. His reaction is understandable.

What were they doing those two years? Some things should be kept secret forever.

Do not think marriage should honest. That's a big fat lie.

Marriage needs well-meaning fabrications.

Some people value this [virginity]. I hate people like that. But you can't say he was wrong.

Your girlfriend should have brought up the topic earlier.

Why did she tell him?

This man sucks, what a bastard.

The Silver Ring Thing
liberal thinking should be separated from morality

If they didn't marry, then yes these are good enough reasons.

But they married. He needs to do the responsible thing.

Marriage is sacred.
How can he abandon his love for such a sanctimonious reason?
This man, I don't know what to say

I think if she mentioned at the beginning she wasn't a virgin, then at least the guy would have a chance to choose.

As it is, she intentionally deceived him.
I don't think his reason is lei at all

The bride deserves what she got

A boy like this will definitely care whether his girlfriend is or not, let alone the lying part

If the man made his attitude toward sex that clear from the beginning, and he did not act inappropriately towards her prior to marriage, but the girl still misled him by talking about "first love", then I don't think he is at fault.

How should I put it? For things like this, some people care and some don't. Just because you don't care, you can't call those who care mentally ill. And vice versa. Everybody has the right to choose how he/she lives.

The Silver Ring Thing is good. Even men can participate. But how many women dare to do it? This world has turned upside down.

I attended Sunday worship once when I was in Australia. This was exactly what they were promoting, abstinence before marriage, and all the church-going members had to obey. It depends on individuals. We can't say they are all wrong. Just because we don't understand them doesn't mean we are right.

So, it is better to find someone with similar values and outlook on life and build mutual understanding. Your girlfriend should have told him before marriage, but I guess she was leaving things to chance, thinking maybe his love will make him accept everything about her. Not every man is like this.

Farewell shouldn't be painful. They belong to two worlds.

I can only say this is a tragedy. If the guy was not virgin, then he is psychotic. If he is, well, then that's that. He made his choice. I respect him.

What makes me wonder is why someone nurtured by U.S. imperialism can be so conservative, when our women are already high on sex.

We can all blame it on the sex liberation movement in the 1970s.

As far as sex goes, the west is more conservative than us. The sexual openness in China even make foreigners tongue-tied.

Tell your girlfriend to get a surgery and fix her hymen. Then tell her to call him, say that it was all a test, that she really was a virgin.

The groom has a morbid fear of uncleanliness. Even if they married, it probably would not be happy. What age is this [as in we are not living in the Victorian Era anymore]...

The bride didn't have a good feel for the kind person he was? They should have known each other pretty well by then.

Sigh, you walked the path, now you gotta take the consequences

Especially that first man she loved part...she was willing to sleep with those she didn't love? Sweat...

She should stick to the lie till the end. Tell him she was raped. Maybe she will gain sympathy.

She deserved it. He was well within reason

They should have laid it all out in the early stages. Not every man can accept a significant other who has already had sexual experience.

If she intends to withhold that information, then she needs to go to the hospital and have it fixed.

Waiting till they got the certificate...she thought the marriage could not be undone? Her fault.

This man...Nowadays guys like him [goody goodies] will only be attacked. Look at all the replies, so many self-righteous aunties.

Bad boys get all the girls

Poor girl. Bless

Such men are rare. And using that type of excuse for divorce, I think he doesn't love your girlfriend much anyways. Might as well say goodbye

Many men do not care whether their bed partners are virgins or not. But they do care whether their wives have slept with other men.

Speaking of this groom, I don't think he did anything wrong. On the surface we see the virginity issue, but in reality is probably because of the lie. The woman he loved for 2 years lied to him on the issue that matters to him the most--and on the wedding night too.

He seriously went to U.S.? Why do I get the feeling he was in some isolated monastery.

Virgins, the streets are littered with ads about hymen-fixing surgeries. You can even fix up a prostitute.

I don't understand why guys all claim they are modern and liberal. Yet a [small] thing like this make them fall out of love.

Was it really love?


What about the Big Four. So stuck up.

My own two cents: China has certainly changed from the one I knew, where pre-marital sex was definitely frowned upon (the same needs not apply to males...). A couple of years ago I even saw a wedding with the bride heavily pregnant.

Of course it hasn't changed to the extent that topics about virginity and chastity are not longer controversial. But perhaps, China is heading toward this direction.


  1. I would never marry a virgin. That's like buying a pig in a poke. I really like China, but some parts of their culture is really weird. That's probably the reason more and more Chinese women want a Western man.
    Chinese women are normal. But some Chinese guys are so out of their mind sometimes.

  2. To the comment above, of course you disease ridden Whites would say something like that.

    For a white man say that chinese women are normal, and Chinese guys are not is kind of disingenuous. I am sure you got a case of Yellow fever yourself.

  3. To Waiguozuigi, that is a fucked up and a racist thing to say. To say that Chinese women are normal and Chinese men are out of their minds sometimes? Sounds more like you are out of your mind, since you generalize Chinese men AND women like that. I have met many crazy Chinese women and level-headed Chinese men.

  4. I've met a few Chinese guys who are not virgin, yet they demand a virgin wife. This is strange, but it is even more strange that I've never seen the opposite case. I've yet to see a Chinese woman who is not a virgin and demands a virgin husband.

    (there is something strange going on with this comment system. I hope I don't double post)

  5. well im a chinese men,and im a virgin and i want a virgin wire of cuz:)

    but i had to agree with some man are not virgin but still want a virgin wife though

  6. @Waiguoguizi

    "I would never marry a virgin. That's like buying a pig in a poke. "--this is definitely not common thinking in China. Typically Chinese men want their wives to be in a pristine state (they have become more realistic now) regardless whether they are virgins or not.

    @chinese kid

    I understand. Actually this post and the comments it provoked intrigued me because people seem to have become more relaxed when it comes to pre-marital sex. A few replies even condemn virginity.

  7. @ waiguozhi

    you're a fucking retard. demanding a virgin has nothing to do with ethnicity. it has everything to do with an individual's moralistic and religious stance. just because one Chinese guy wants to marry a wife that is a virgin doesn't make every Chinese guy "out of their minds".

    in fact, I reckon that you're a morally loose, herpes having motherfucker, you stupid motherfucker.

  8. Kind of makes me sad that she had to 'test' his love by disclosing something so damaging on their wedding night. I understand the morality code that both these people live by and its more important that they could live this lifestyle for over 2 years rather than throw it all away due to the woman having had a fling or raped in the past. The important thing is how they live their lives going forward. That being said, she really should have told him much earlier (if she was going to tell him ever) or not at all!

    Here's my question, would this man marry a VIRGIN drug addict (possibly infected with HIV) over a non-virgin career woman with no STDs?

  9. It teaches us that we should be honest each other. It is great way to avoid something bad happen to us. Whatever the decision would be, we feel better to be honest.

  10. In my opinion, this makes no sense. If he really loved her, she should be able to accept her as is. That means she's looking for a wife must be a virgin, but what he also still a virgin and had never done anything like that. If the man ever do something like that too, I do not think he needs to sue his wife should be virgins.

  11. If the story is true, what the woman did was truly evil. If she wasn't a virgin, she should have told him and not led him on to marry her under false pretenses. Why wait until she got into bed after the wedding? What a horrible way to break the news.... AFTER they registered as a couple? That's a horrible thing to do, especially if the guy was a virgin and she knew it. He cared enough to wait, and she didn't care enough to let him know she didn't. In some countries in some ages, she would have been stoned for such a thing.

    1. I second you. Lying to someone is dishonoring and offending to the person lied to. That is called deceipt and deceiving people in the love context, marriage context, something so sacred, that is purely evil. And the saddest part is that you read comments from girls or females supporting more lies and deceipt. Screw that whole not losing face lying thing, can you see you are more than losing face by acting like trash by deceiving people?

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