January 16, 2010

Why Was Baidu Hacked?

I just can't resist. The person who came up with this facetious list is very well acquainted with current news.

As you might already know, Baidu was hacked by the Iranian Cyber Army (ICA) on January 12. Here are some "profound" reasons that Chinese thought of to explain the cyber attack.

A Few Far-fetched Theories

1. The real reason: the new leader of Iranian holy crusaders Abaidu Abaidula (fictitious person)1 is mad at Baidu for choosing a name that sounds like his. -_-!

2. Abaidu Abaidula was searching for SB on Google and found Baidu2. Thanks to Baidu, his name is now the butt of a joke. Abaidu Abaidula is mad. -_-!

3. Political protest is only an excuse. In reality, Iranians were attempting to buy missiles in reaction to the ever-growing U.S. military threat. Ignorant of the fact that Baidu auctions off search result rankings, Iranians bought the first one on the results list, only to realize later the missile quality was terrible. Iranians are mad.

4. Lately there have been too many upheavals in the Chinese internet community. Frantic with PR management and bribing left and right, Baidu forgot to pay domain renewal fees. -_-!

5. Because Baidu CEO Robin Li does not believe in Brother Chun, Baidu failed to self-ressurect with full character attributes [if you play any computer game, this shouldn't be hard to understand] -_-!

1This is a play on the common Islamic name Abdullah, which is a homonym of Abaidula.

2For reasons unknown, if you search SB on www.google.cn, the first result you will encounter is Baidu. Likewise, if you search SB on www.baidu.com, the first results that shows up is Google. Typically people attribute this "coincidence" to the rivalry between the two companies.

Conspiracy Theories

6. The ICA supposedly did not use its customary signature this time. Therefore, it is possible that the Chinese government orchestrated the attack on Baidu (while pretending to be ICA) to pave the way for a future invasion of Iran.

7. "Concerned Departments (departments in charge)" made an emergency announcement: to prevent further escalation of the cyber attack, they have decided to cut off all U.S.-China and Europe-China internet communication.

8. The site attack is merely part of ICA's graduation exam. Successful domestic sites take over is enough for a graduation certificate. To get the actual diploma, each soldier has to hack into foreign sites. Furthermore, thanks to the Google sponsorship, breaching the defenses of Baidu guarantees anybody a diploma plus a job offer.

Along Chinese government's line of thinking

9. According to report by CCAV (derogatory nickname for CCTV): Shanxi college student reported the ICA to authorities through dedicated hot-line, claiming his mental state has suffered terribly because of the attack.

10. Baidu immediately issued a statement: "This morning, Baidu's domain name registration in the United States was tampered with, leading to inaccessibility. Concerned departments at Baidu are actively resolving the problem. "

The Ministry of Industry and Information Technology will soon seize this opportunity to berate unreliable foreign internet domain registrars--for stability, get a .CN domain.

11. Ministry of Truth denied any responsibility for the attack on Baidu, Comrade Yu Shan (云山) phoned Robin Li: "The Iranians did it. Not us."

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs convened for an emergency session, during which Qin Gang castigated the ICA who has dared to challenge the Number 1 Superpower in Internet blockade.


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