Taobao buyer/seller interactions

Taobao is similar to eBay.

(wiki)Taobao is a online shopping marketplace for consumers in China. Founded by parent Alibaba Group, it facilitates transactions between individual consumers and a wide range of sellers such as retailers, wholesalers, and other individuals. Sellers are able to post new and used goods for sale on the Taobao marketplace either through a fixed price or negotiated sale or by auction.

The following is what happens when odd customer demands meet unprofessional customer service.

1. Product: 60 weight loss pills, each tablet 400mg
Buyer Feedback: I bought the entire container with 60 pills and only received 1. The seller is dishonest! Who can lose weight with just 1 pill?
Seller Reply: Sorry. I just learnt yesterday that the Chinese zodiac sign of the postman I use is rat.

2. Product: Purse
Buyer Feedback (2007.01.10 18:22): Seller attitude was awful. I know you are busy, but that doesn't excuse your monosyllable replies! All you said were "en" (恩, OK), "hao" (好， good), so disrespectful. I am giving you a negative rating.
Seller Reply: Pei (呸, as in the sound of spitting)

3. Product: toy koala bear
Buyer Feedback: He wrote my name wrong on the package.
Seller Reply: I can't believe this small thing got me a negative rating. OK, I will write your name here: Xinhua Li,Xinhua Li,
Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li, Xinhua Li

4. Product: herbal recipe for safe weight loss
Buyer Feedback: No explanatory note. Results of taking the medicine did not match online description. I felt anorexic and could not fall asleep.
Seller Reply: Liar! Your symptoms match the side effects.

5. Product: Dress
Buyer Feedback: Everybody says that I look like an auntie after wearing this dress. Your advertising photo was deceptive.
Seller Reply: You truly are an angel, not an auntie. Unfortunately, you just happened to land on your head when coming down from heaven. Otherwise, the dress would have looked great on you.

6. Product: Wild Hazelnut
Buyer Feedback (2006.12.03 01:51): The hazelnut shells are really tough to crack. Eating 1 jin (0.5 kg) of them nearly broke my teeth. To increase weight and charge more for shipping, the seller placed a piece of junk metal in my package.
Seller Reply: Look carefully at the piece of iron, do you notice a screw? Look down a little ways, do you see the line of separation? Now along this line of separation pull apart the two "legs"--the piece of junk iron was a custom-made nutcracker, which was sent to you to crack the hazelnuts.

7. Product: Yida gum
Buyer Feedback (2006.04.04 16:56): I asked for gum. Instead I received some white stuff that was cloyingly sweet. I could not eat it.
Seller Reply: Faint. That white stuff was white chocolate, my gift to you. The gum should be found under it wrapped in newspapers. Did you toss the whole package in trash? Quickly go retrieve it.

8. Product: Majier compressed facial mask
Buyer Feedback: Nothing.
Seller Reply: What do you mean by nothing? What is nothing? Why did you even leave a neutral feedback just for nothing? Jesus!

9. Product: Birdie earrings
Buyer Feedback: My computer did not respond when I chose "positive rating." Let me try neutral.
Seller Reply: How could you do this to me? You really should upgrade your computer (I am currently in a state of depression)

10. Product: Crystal ball
Buyer Feedback: The ball is good. But why wasn't the supporting base in that ad photo also mailed to me?
Seller Reply: You misunderstood! The "supporting base" is my husband's ash tray.

11. Product: Plated platinum necklace, 9 yuan
Buyer Feedback: My girlfriend told me: "so so"
Seller Reply: Try to buy her a diamond ring!

12.
Buyer Feedback: Bad attitude. OK product
Seller Reply: When was my attitude toward you bad????????????? Weirdo. What does it take to have a "good attitude"? Declare my love for you?

13.
Buyer Feedback: Didn't buy.
Seller Reply: Sigh!

14. Product: Fancy imported European chocolate
Buyer Feedback: The chocolate arrived 3 days late and in pieces. I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend.
Seller Reply: As the Chinese adage goes, hitting means intimacy and cussing imparts love. When neither works, kick him.

15. Product: Verbenaceae Leaf--for weight loss and headache
Buyer Feedback: Why doesn't your herb look like other sellers'?
Seller Reply: Why don't you look like anybody else?

16. Product: Clocks
Buyer Feedback (2005.02.13 14:29): I haven't gone shopping online because of the frequent scams. This time I got lied to again!
Seller Reply: Just messing with you.

17. Product: Swarovski crystal
Buyer Feedback (2008.03.10 15:41): Great product. Am satisfied. One question though: why were there a firelighter in the mail? I don't smoke
Seller Reply: Shhhhhhh. My husband has been looking for it since this afternoon. Helps him quit smoking. I guess the thing fell in when I was packing the crystals for you :)

18. Product: Handbook on How to Win Lottery
Buyer Feedback: Didn't the introduction say I will win a million yuan after reading this handbook? I did not get even the smallest prize.
Seller Reply: You didn't read carefully enough. The last page mentioned: "Fulfillment of millionaire dreams requires all-out efforts." Trust me, you will get your payback some day. That time just hasn't come yet!

19. Product: Korean cute bubble gum/fragrant kou jiao (口胶, another word for bubble gum)
Buyer Feedback (2005.02.13 14:29): Your kou jiao (口交, blow job) was fantastic! My friend also wants one!
Seller Reply: Sweat! MM, why would I make love to you when we have never met? If you can't type "jiao" correctly, then I beg you to put the pictogram for "fragrant" in front. Your comment might make people think I am doing prostitution!

20. Product: Nike shorts 40 yuan
Buyer Feedback: Dreadful quality. The crotch tore after one week because I farted too forcefully.
Seller Reply: I am not responsible for your indiscreet farting. Besides, what did you expect out of such a low price, 40 yuan including shipping!

21.
Buyer: Can't give feedback on cellphone
Seller: I should not be held accountable for the inadequacy of your phone!

22.
Buyer: The package was too sturdy. Took me a long time to unwrap it.
Seller: Well, can't have my customers say that I am too stingy to buy packing tape. Haha!

23.
Buyer Feedback: The product costs only 4 yuan by regular mail, but the seller spent 5 yuan on priority shipping to send it to me. Afterward, he called me long distance to inquire after the transaction! Now this is true communism. Great seller.
Seller Reply: I...just didn't have time to go to the postal office.

24. Product: Osmun Pearls eye cream
Buyer Feedback: How do I return the product?
Seller Reply: You didn't pay me, so I haven't sent you the product.

25. Product: Fruit basket
Buyer Feedback (2006.05.10 14:49): Some fruits were too ripe.
Seller Reply: You mom requested fruits that will keep for only 3-5 days after shipping (please ask your mom to leave feedback next time)

26. Product: Sexy lingerie, latest Korean style
Buyer Feedback: I loved it.
Seller Reply: Didn't your husband like it??!!

27. Product: Medication to treat hemorrhoids
Buyer Feedback: The medication took so long to get here! By the time I got it, my hemorrhoids were already healed.
Seller Reply: Testament to the effectiveness of my product. As soon as your hemorrhoids heard about the medication coming, they just high-tailed out of there.

28. Product: Cellphone
Buyer: Do you have chocolate?
Seller: Of course, I offer Dove and Jindi.
Buyer: I am talking about cell phones!!!
Seller: Oh yea, thanks for reminding me. I am selling phones.

29.
Buyer: The price for your phones are exorbitant! I could have bought a laptop instead.
Seller: Yes. I can just imagine you standing in a crowd, opening your notebook, and sticking your ear to the speakers for the incoming call. Keep up the cool pose.

30. The buyer was trying to find out if the store has a physical location (Chinese: 实体， pinyin: shí tǐ​)
Buyer: Hey, do you have a corpse store? (Chinese: 尸体， pinyin: shī tǐ​)
Seller: Sorry, Taobao doesn't permit selling of cadavers

31.
Buyer: Hi, I would like to buy a pair of shoes.
Seller: Hello, how would you like to pay?
Buyer: Can I use QQ virtual money? (Note: QQ money is virtual currency that can only be used in QQ online games. One can buy QQ money with Chinese yuan but not the other way around)
Seller: I can't accept that.
Buyer: How about I pay your cell phone bills according to the shoe price tag?
Seller: Faint.

32.
Buyer: Do you offer other styles for shoes?
Seller: Yep, here is the URL to my online album. You can look through photos of my collection.
Buyer: Pretty shoes. How come there is a baby in the pictures?
Seller: Oh, that's my son. He is not for sale!
Buyer(embarrassed): Yea, of course. Everything can be for sale except our own children.

33.
Buyer: Is that really you in the profile picture? So handsome
Seller: Sorry. But you are not receiving a discount.
Buyer: .....

34.
Buyer: Does this cellphone have good reception?
Seller: Samsung products are usually good.
Buyer: I bought several phones already. They all had bad reception.
Seller: OK.
Buyer: What do you recommend that I buy?
Seller: Hearing aids.

Finally, I am reminded about an article on Craigslist ads. Really funny too.

Source(s):
淘宝上雷人的差评和回复 http://blog.jianghu.taobao.com/u/MTA1MTU3MzQw/blog/blog_detail.htm?aid=20007881