I found the entire list when Googling one of the lines. Made some modifications on the Chinese translations--just some, many of the original ones are classic.
Link (Can't find the first source anymore)
1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一
辆然后求上帝宽恕。
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一
样死法啊！
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他一个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。(This is a Chinese idiom.)
7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来的快.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
XXOO就象打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使。
9、 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们在楼梯上倒腾来捣腾去
还是很有喜感。
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都应有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！
11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。
12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人**可以整段感情都是装出来的！
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 **。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！
15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。
18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
XXOO并不是结论而是个问题...爽不爽才是答案...(not sure about this one)
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻就是总以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你今晚并不怎么好的节目。
21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
直译：一根火柴能点着整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起个营火，这咋回事！
意译：想当年哥戴套都能让人怀孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你这终还是男女有别~
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱们呢，大伙好歹喜感点吧！
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃，安眠药，和通便灵。
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
公车站呀公车停。火车站呀火车停。俺桌上有个工作站…
28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
要是我听你的，咱俩就都2B了。
29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃
了。
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
a. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！
b. 下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，拳击我能把机箱踹得七零八散！
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
瞅见个姐姐，胸前衣服上写着“Guess”...俺就问了一句：“...隆过？”
32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
为什么当你说天上有400亿星星时他不怀疑，却偏要检查你所说的“油漆未干”？
34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
a. 宁愿闭嘴当傻瓜，也别学乌鸦乱呱呱。
b. 越解释越SB，不说话最NB。
d. 宁可闭口被人当SB，也不张口消除所有疑问。
35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
银行就是当你证明了你不需要钱的时候可以借钱给你的地方
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
a.对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
a. 我知道没人在我脑子里跟我聊天，但那些话真TM有用！
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
a. 无愧于心哈？记性不好吧？
c. 意识清醒了，意味着不堪回首了。
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
a. 所谓的好姑娘，咳！就是还没被群众抓到的JP女·····
b. 想立牌坊就得会装
40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
临危忽然微笑的那谁，定是找到替罪羊鸟~
41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等。
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。
45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心了；有些人一走大家就开心了。
46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨
叫声是一样滴。
47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没说是你的错！我只是在谴责你！
49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
每次填表的时候，遇到“紧急情况联系：” 这一项我都填上“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！！！！！！！
51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
每一个成功的男人背后都有一个女人。每一个翻了船的成功男人背后往往有另一个女人。
52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
生活对于我来说是小菜一碟，我通常就着盐和柠檬，再来一小杯烈性酒。
意译a：生活，是一团麻......绳，......再加一根蜡烛......一柄皮鞭。
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。
直译a：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。
意译b：贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭！(haha, not at all related)
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死，“啪！”那才是死了。
55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
人工智能从来敌不过天然SB。
56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
直译：不要用眼镜腿来打男人，要用棒球击杆。
意译: 要下手就得狠，甭来毛毛雨。
57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
搂抱和抱摔只有一线之分。
58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
所谓便宜货，就是这东西虽然你不需要，但价格太好必须要买下来！
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
绝对不要和长得丑的争执，他们已经没什么可输的了。
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
我的观点或许改变了，但我是正确的这一事实却亘古不变。
意译：我们要搞共产主义，也要搞有中国特色的社会主义。(Heh?)
61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He
said okay, you're ugly too.
心理医师：你神经病！！！
我：我想听听另外的意见（核实一下）
心理医师：好！！而且你真TM丑！！！
62、 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
一单纯傻儿子问他爹：“爸，结婚到底要花多少钱啊？”他爸说：“儿啊，我真不知道...没看见我还在交钱吗？”
63、 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
有人说“打不过，就合作”。我说“打不过，也要打”。因为丫们还以为你会加入呢，兵贵出其不意！
64、When in doubt, mumble.
脑子不好使的话，就含糊其辞点。
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
我已决定长生不老，目前为止，感觉良好。
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were not.
好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。
67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
跳伞是这样一种运动：不成功则成仁！
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
电视侮辱你的智商，电脑则是吐你槽的终极存在！
69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
知识就是力量，力量会邪恶化。那么就好好学习当大魔王吧！
70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
钱买不来幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子会好熬一点。
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
跟悲观主义者借钱吧！他反正不指望你还！！！
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
担忧真的好使！！老子担心的事儿90%都没发生！！
73、Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
贞操如泡影，一戳无踪影。
74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
这年头，连怀旧都不如从前够味儿了。
75、
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.
只要主义真，猪也成超人。
76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. A
fter all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
我早就该知道我跟我EX没戏！归根结底，我是天枰她是JP！
77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
豪马克卡上的话：没有你我痛苦万分，正如你就在此处。（没有女人冷冷清清，有了女人
鸡犬不宁）
78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.
越活越2~ /活到老,2到老
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
直译：外交家们说让你下地狱的时候，措辞也会让你期待来这么趟旅行。
80、 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
我和个壮汉闹急了。 他：老子非得用你丫脸把地给擦了！！！ 我：你会后悔的！！ 他：
噢？真哒？怎么讲？ 我：呃，边边角角的地方你擦不到！！！
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
有些人说丫能通灵，有些人说丫有阴阳眼，其他人只是没有这种想象力而已
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
啊我好爱好爱工作啊~ 工作让我好着迷啊~我**死盯着它几个小时了啊！
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
枪支管理不是问题，SB管理才是问题
84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
女人或许击得并不重，但她们击得更低.....
女人总是能击中男人的要害。
85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
直译：记着吧……世界要不恶心，我们早被吐掉了。
别抱怨了，这个世界要是真和谐了，我们这种人就不应该存在~
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
上帝蜀黍疼你，只是其他人都觉得你2B而已
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
a. 过去老子左右为难。现在老子优柔寡断。
c. 过去我难以决断，现在我不大确信是否还是如此。
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
老子打死都不信流血5天还不挂的物种。/老子打死都不信娘们儿。
89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
直译：如果你始终脚踏实地，那就别想穿裤子了。
意译：人太老实没法活。
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
别人是指哪儿打哪儿，我是打哪儿指哪儿，精确度高些。
91、 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
你真是你对我来说实在是不能再好的朋友了，既然这艘船要沉了，救生衣又只有一件...我一定会经常想念你滴~!!!
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
站在车库的你并不会变成一辆车是吧？所以站在教堂的你也不会变成基督徒。
93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
世界总是在变，但我却怎么也便不出来 (this is not accurate because there is no equivalent pun in Chinese)。
94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
假设我们会吃一堑，长一智，为什么总有人生了一个还会生？
95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
公车这个交通工具的速度，总在被追赶的时候比你在里面时快两倍。
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
发明“鼠动无声”这词儿的哥们一定没踩上过一只。
97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
跳伞是不需要降落伞滴，除非你想再来一次。
过了河也别拆桥，没准你还要回来呢。
98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
口腔体温计和菊花体温计有啥不同？尝尝看就知道了
99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
想以火灭火的时候，别忘了消防队通常用的是水！
以暴治暴，不如以抱治爆。
100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
直译：记着，如果你在嘿咻后吸烟了，证明你整得太快了。
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